She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "John, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "John remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
She purses her lips and scatters his ashes all over the living room.
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So why do we laugh at jokes about cremation and ashes. Are we just sickos? Maybe not. Perhaps its a way of dealing with fear of our dissolution - that one day
we'll be reduced to ashes. Or it could be the incongruity of these jokes - the bizarre fate of the ashes. Maybe its just the unpredictability of the punch lines.
This is an equal opportunities page. There should be some humour to offend everyone. Now read on... |
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Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the
ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was into clubbing, so I'm going to scatter his ashes on the dance floor." |
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The third man said, "My Paul was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
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My friend Sandra is a terminal nicotine addict, she wants to be cremated so she can have one final smoke.
Sign seen in crematorium: Thankyou for not smoking Nuff said. |
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Karen died suddenly and tragically at a young age. In accordance with Karen's wishes, her partner John arranged for Karen to be cremated. John went to see Karen's
remains shortly before the visitation and services. He looked at the body and said: "Oh, no -- you've got her in black dress and tan pantyhose. She always wanted to be
cremated in a green dress with black pantyhose. Green was her favorite color."
The mortician assured John that he would do his best to fix the problem. At the funeral, the John was pleased to see Karen wearing a green dress and black hose. The visitation and services went smoothly and Karen was later cremated. |
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The day after the cremation the John went to the funeral home to pay the bill and collect Karen's ashes. He shook the mortician's hand firmly and said: "I can't thank enough
for all the trouble you took to change my wife's clothes." "It was no trouble at all," said the mortician, "Fortunately we had lady in the embalming room that was dressed in a green
dress and black pantyhose-- so it was simply a matter of exchanging heads."
Adapted from a joke sent in by Michael. |
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Girls! Finding it hard to get into your jeans?
Try the Cremation Weight Reduction Programme (TM)
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Cremator Weight Reduction Chamber (TM) room, spend just one hour in the chamber and your best friends won't recognize you!
Cremation Weight Reduction Programme Small Print After taking the Cremation Weight Reduction Programme (TM) we do not recommend going outside on a windy
day. We advise wearing pantyhose or tights with trousers, to prevent falling through the trouser legs. We accept no responsibility for accidents with vacuum cleaners.
An intense burning sensation will be experienced during the first few minutes of the process. Likely side effects: Death.
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Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he bravely fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three
days.
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Ever get caught in one of those situations for which there's no explaining?
This happens to a young guy who goes to a girl‘s house to pick her up for their first date. She shows him into the living room, then excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them drinks. Looking around the room, the guy notices a white plastic container in a cabinet, where it looks kind of out of place. He picks it up to examine it, and as he is looking at it, she walks back in. "What's this?" he asks her. "Oh," she says, "my father's ashes are in there." However, this startles him so that he drops the urn, the top comes off and the ashes scatter all around. After turning three shades of red, he stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, shit!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK," the girl replies. "It was only a cheap urn" "But... but your dad's ashes..." The girl pads over to the spilled ashes, looks down at them, then looks up and smiles "Yeah he was always too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." |
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The lawyer e-mailed his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply,
"Take no chances - order all three."
A man after my own heart. |
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Samantha was never very lucky. Sam was constantly beset by bad luck. When playing poker Sam always ending up poorer than when she started. When investing on the
stock market Sam somehow bought high and sold low. She was not even lucky in love. Her life appeared to be full of more downs than ups. Her greatest pleasure
was playing golf. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, she never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area she had in mind was
enough to keep her hopes alive.
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Sam tragically died young in an automobile accident - another stroke of bad luck. In her last will and testament Sam asked that to be cremated and her ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of her home course.
Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.
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Why did the Poms want to cremate Princess Di? That way they finally get to keep the ashes! (If you are not English or Australian it would take too long to explain!)
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A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her pastor to
talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomindales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomingdales?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week." |
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything." |
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It seems that a certain woman kept the ashes of her dearly departed father in a silver box on a table. One day, after not having looked at her "father" for a long time, she
opened the box and was horrified to discover it was nearly empty! Furious, she accosted the maids and demanded to know "have you touched this box?" Whereupon the one
of them protested "I didn't think you'd mind! After all, it's very poor quality snuff."
This may be a joke, or it may be a real story from Venezuela in the 1950's. |
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Woman on telephone: "Hello is that the crematorium?" "Its Mrs Smith ...you are cremating my husband ... I'm going to me a little late.... ...I haven't got changed yet ... could you start the funeral half an hour later?" "What's that? He's already gone into the furnace?" "Just turn the gas down, and do him on a low heat until I get there" From a 1960's British seaside postcard. |
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ONE evening a husband and wife were talking about their wills. He asked her, if she should go first, what funeral arrangements she would like. She told him that she
wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered over a Florida beach. "Why Florida?" he asked. "Why? Because I've never been there before."
Adapted from Funeral Humor |
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Too much clowning around on this page?
Perhaps you don't think this page takes seriously the big issues of life, death, the disposal of loved one's mortal remains, and loosing weight. Or maybe you think its good to laugh as we move inexorably towards the incinerator that with extreme efficiency will reduce us to gas and a little ash. Quite probably you think some or all of the humor on this page is crap. Whatever your views give me some feedback. I'm particularly keen to hear any other cremation jokes or humor, so please Mail Me. The jokes on this page have been culled from various sources, although I have adapted and modernized. "The Cremation Weight Reduction Programme (TM)" was from an idea by Sandra, Gothic Philosophy student and terminal smoker, who will leave very little ash behind. A final thought clowning with my ashes: Two male clowns - one carrying my ashes in an urn - walk slowly towards an empty columbarium niche next to which stands a female clown. When they reach the female clown, instead of placing me in the niche, one pulls the waist band of her tights and the other - with great solemnity - pours my ashes down her tights. |
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